RIDDICK Q. LOSS TALES

1st report:

Famous actress Maureen O'Hara has been shot and killed by Manager in Ladies Room of snazzy Trump Hotel!

2nd report:

Famous actress Maureen O'Hara fired upon by Manager in Ladies Room of snazzy Trump Hotel.

3rd report:

Unknown cartoonist Maureen O'Hairy fired as Ladies Room attendant of sleazy dump hotel.

4th report:

1st and 2nd reporters fired.

The teacher stood before the very large class and asked the students if they knew what a ghost was. They all nodded and raised their hands including little Ballzich, way, way at the back of the classroom. Then the teached asked them if any had ever actually seen a ghost and this time only a few sort of raised their hands including little Ballzich, way, way at the back of the classroom. Then the teacher asked if any of them had ever made love to a ghost and this time only little Ballzich, way, way at the back of the classroom raised his hand. The teacher grimaced and asked little Ballzich to come up to the front of the classroom. Ballzich, said the teacher, do you mean to stand here and tell the entire class that you have actually made love to a ghost? Oh ghost, said little Ballzich, I thought you said goat!

Sister Mary Immaculate is writing to a campground inquiring about the bathroom facilities. She is the most prudish woman on the planet. So much so, she cannot bring herself to use the term

"bathroom". Her mother called it a "bath commode" and all these years later Sister Mary can only use the initials "BC". Mr. Loss is the campground manager and a devout Baptist, he has always

understood "BC" to mean Baptist Church. Here follows is his reply:

Dear Sister Mary, thank-you for your interest in our fine campground and in particular, our most excellent BC facility. It is conveniently located only 9 miles from here in one of the most beautiful

settings a BC has ever sat. I recall a spectacular colour post-card showing several patrons seated inside, wish I could find one to send along. Our BC can accommodate up to 300 people at a sitting

and for special occasions, another 100 or so on portable seats in the parking lot! But even if you're packed in elbow to elbow, you will be able to see and hear everything, the faintest sound audible

to one and all. I'm very sure you will be moved to a satisfying outpouring of inspiration.  As this is our busy season, my wife Poopsie and I haven't be able to get up there for several weeks now but we're both very eager to return! It brings to mind our last visit and the

breathtaking sight of the Pastor's majestic organ, freshly cleaned and polished, glistening in a shaft of sunlight. In fact, he asked several of the young ladies to stay behind for a hands-on inspection

after the rest of the congregation had finished making their donations. They ring a bell whenever someone makes a particularly large one. As the BC is  fairly new, there is a minor odor problem with

the recently stained seats, so they keep the doors and windows wide open and our handy man Frenchie is always close at hand with his trusty mop and pail, his sharp eyes don't miss a thing.

I know you'll just love it.

Yours, Riddick Q. Loss, Manager

Here's some of our favourite Hit Parade "love" songs, except a little glitch got into my word.com!

Nat King Cole..................................Our Shit Is Here To Stay

Dean Martin.....................................I'm In The Mood For Shit

The Bee Gees..................................How Deep Is Your Shit

Bing Crosby......................................Shit Is Just Around The Corner

Frank Sinatra....................................I Fall In Shit Too Easily

Maurice Chevalier.............................You Brought A New Kind Of Shit To Me

Natalie Cole.......................................This Can't Be Shit

Dusty Springfield................................The Look Of Shit

Dionne Warwick..................................I'll Never Fall In Shit Again

Billie Holiday........................................I've Got My Shit To Keep Me Warm

Rita Coolidge.......................................Your Shit Is Lifting Me Higher

Neil Diamond........................................Shit On The Rocks

Johnny Cash.........................................The Ways Of A Woman In Shit

The Moments........................................Shit On A Two-Way Street

Ella Fitzgerald........................................Shit Is Sweeping The Country

10CC......................................................The Things We Do For Shit

Sade.......................................................Hang On To Your Shit

The Four Tops........................................Standing In The Shadows Of Shit

George Benson.......................................You Don't Know What Shit Is

Martin Stevens.........................................Shit Is In The Air

Air Supply.................................................Making Shit Out Of Nothing At All

The Supremes..........................................Falling In And Out Of Shit

Judy Garland.............................................I Can't Give You Anything But Shit Baby

Juice Newton.............................................Shit's Been A Little Hard On Me

Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes.................The Shit I Lost

Pat Boone...................................................April Shit

Bing Crosby & Grace Kelly.........................True Shit

Paul Anka....................................................Puppy Shit

Bon Jovi......................................................You Give Shit A Bad Name

Marilyn Monroe............................................I'm Through With Shit

The Beach Boys..........................................Summer Means New Shit

The Four Aces.............................................Shit Is A Many Splendored Thing

Earth Wind & Fire.........................................After The Shit Is Gone

Tony Bennett................................................What Is This Thing Called Shit?

The Supremes...............................................Where Did Our Shit Go?

Celine Dion.....................................................Let's Talk About Shit

Mariah Carey..................................................Shit Takes Time

Whitney Houston.............................................The Greatest Shit Of All

Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers.....................Why Do Fools Fall In Shit?

The B-52's........................................................Shit Shack

Kenny Rogers...................................................Ruby, Don't Take Your Shit To Town

Conway Twitty..................................................The Story Of My Shit

The Supremes..................................................Shit Is Here And Now You're Gone

Doris Day...........................................................Secret Shit

The Supremes...................................................Baby Shit

Edison Lighthouse..............................................Shit Grows Where My Rosemary Goes

Dr. Hook.............................................................When You're In Shit With A Beautiful Woman

Jack Jones.........................................................(theme from) The Shit Boat

Johnny Lee.........................................................Looking For Shit In All The Wrong Places

Bill Purcell...........................................................Our Winter Shit

Captain & Tenille................................................Shit Will Keep Us Together

Tina Turner.........................................................What's Shit Got To Do With It?

Paul McCartney..................................................My Shit

Jackie DeShannon.............................................What The World Needs Now Is Shit

Redbone.............................................................Come And Get Your Shit

Al Jarreau...........................................................We're In This Shit Together

Got my income tax done on-line for first time and needed help from Lara, my new neighbour, she's a treasure! Knows all about computers and technical stuff that confounds me.

So they got that little shit in Boston, hope he does everyone a big favour and dies cuz I don't want to hear any crap that comes out of his mouth, and already the shit is hitting the fan

about his rights and trial and I just don't want to hear it. Not to mention all the costs to the tax-payers looking after him. Grant him his martyrdom and let him meet Allan and his 700 virgins

in paradise, yeah! Oh yeah, I forgot, he's still just a "suspect"....right! Give me a break! Now onto some good news. I'm bringing a couple of female characters from Dimswitch's past into

RQLT. Officer Vola Upshewus of the Yukon Mounted Police who has arrested Dimmy 27 times, and Lotta Clevidge, fair maiden who is perpetually in distress!